My patience is a little short today but I’ll try to do the live update thing for a while regardless.

That was how my coverage of the RNC started. Obviously, two days of this shit has worn me thin and if you read my last piece here you’re probably aware that I’ve largely lost my sense of humor for this convention after reading the platform.

Regardless, I did my best and I hope something about the apocalypse is enough to make you smile.

-They switched the soundtrack from elevator music to country.

I am not mentally prepared to deal with this much white trash pandering.

-Stop showing crowd shots during the music. White people can’t dance.

Stereotypes are bad kids, but sometimes they’re true.

-If they wanted to turn this into a concert they should have hired Third Eye Blind. At least they’re actually musicians.

-Rick Scott walked into a less enthusiastic crowd than Michelle Obama did at the RNC

-And he just brought up Orlando. This should be good.

-“I’m old enough to remember when terrorism only happened in foreign countries”

The KKK was founded in 1865

-My Rick Scott dig was retweeted by a pro-Hillary account. Don’t worry, guys. We’ll get to that next week.

-The GOP’s thoughts on women are strikingly clear when female speakers immediately start talking about their rugrats instead of their accomplishments.

-“There is dignity in every job.”

Let’s put that to the test. I’m a progressive media figure who detailed Trump and Pence’s love life on my website yesterday.

-I’m back on a live stream now. Thanks for calling me out, mates. I didn’t realize my stream paused while I was watching a Christina Carter video.

-I am going to make porn jokes as often as possible since I can’t be arrested for it yet. Get used to it.

-I know you’re all used to it already but now I have an excuse.

-If I was slurring my words that much I could probably watch this until it’s over.

-Um, excuse me, sir. The only one at this convention authorized to use the word yuge is Donald Trump.

-How much do you want to bet that Pam Bondi doesn’t even know what Russian Roulette is? She just translated it to “fucking commies” in her head.

-We have to stop the influx of heroin. Because obviously heroin is coming from Mexico and not countries where heroin is easily manufactured and mass produced.

-Then again, just because Pam Bondi acts like she’s on heroin doesn’t mean she knows anything about it from a policy perspective.

-The next speaker on the list is an astronaut. I guess they don’t know that NASA is a scientific organization.

-They just mentioned Cambridge like it’s an important place. I used to live there. It’s basically a dozen barns and a covered bridge.

-How annoyed do you think the crowd is that the speaker is talking about science? Or have they figured out that’s what’s going on yet?

-Is Michelle Van Etten promoting feminism at the RNC? It sure sounds like it.

-Scott Walker knows how to set an iPhone password?

-“It’s working right here in Ohio… North Carolina.”

To both of those I can solemnly swear it is NOT working. Ohio is shit and North Carolina can’t even figure out shit policy-wise.

-Aw they’re pretending they give a fuck about LGBT people and people murdered by police.

-I got really excited for a moment because I thought the speaker was going to say “black lives matter” and I would have been really proud but she said the wrong color. That was a let down.

-For the record, if you want to see how much “LGBT lives matter” to this party, I published a piece on exactly that this afternoon.

-Hillary Clinton was an “ultra-liberal senator”?????? I want to run for office just to show these assholes what liberalism is. They don’t even have to thank me for it.

-“Lyin Ted!” I wonder why Trump supporters aren’t chanting that now.


-I agree with Ted Cruz on political correctness. Jesus deserved to get nailed, and I can say that because we have freedom of speech.

-LOL Ted Cruz just said Hillary Clinton wants the government involved in marriage. What the hell does he think marriage is?

-Putting Americans on the moon was because of freedom, not the GOVERNMENT FUNDED SCIENTISTS who worked their asses off to make it happen.

-As soon as Cruz said “Alton Sterling” the stage malfunctioned. I guess they were worried he was going to say something constructive.

-The crowd is booing Cruz because he refused to endorse Trump. Does it even matter at this point?

-If I got to pick a performer for RNC, the flamboyant man in skinny jeans blowing into his instrument would not have been my first choice.

-I know, I shouldn’t make a dick joke while Trump’s son is speaking, but let’s be honest. Any joke I make during this speech would be a dick joke.

-And now we’re talking about Christmas…

-Little Trump is making the same hand motions as regular Trump.

-I’m almost sure that someone in the Trump campaign has a time machine and they just brought younger Trump from the past because they couldn’t find anyone else willing to say anything positive about the man.

-It’s not just the stage that’s having technical difficulties. The overflow rooms don’t have feed access. It’s okay, guys. You’re not missing much.

-Mike Pence: I was raised to believe in hard work. Well, what the fuck happened since then?

-Mike Pence promises to pray daily. That’s enough of a reason not to vote for him. The vice presidency is not a job where you are paid to be on your knees.

-I made it to the end, guys. I’m so glad that’s over.