I watched the RNC live until I threw up in my mouth. These are the thoughts that went through my head. They’re in order. Feel free to match them up with the official stream.


-This says Monday evening but that’s mostly because the 67-year-old who is the GOP’s “tech youngster” hasn’t figured out how to create a separate stream yet.

-The event hasn’t started yet, though. It’s just the same band from yesterday.

-Damn, they’re trying really hard. Even the invocation isn’t a weird Christian.

Sure, it’s a weird Sikh instead, but at least they did the diversity thing.

-In all seriousness, I hope she gets out of there okay.

-Did Paul Ryan just say hi to his home state instead of Cleveland. Dude, that’s pandering 101, and you failed.

-I’m basically on the edge of my seat right now. I wonder who they’re going to nominate. They’re making it really suspenseful.

-“Respect for America is declining.” I wonder why. We have more than half of a political party supporting a racist pumpkin for the highest office in the state.

-There are some historians that think Hitler had a micro penis. Think about what you’re doing America. History repeats itself.

-“President Trump is going to defeat terrorism!”

Right. That’s why he won’t condemn the KKK. He just wants them to let their guard down and then BAM.

-With the southern accent it seems like the delegate just called Paul Ryan “Mrs. Speaker”.

What bathroom does Ryan use?

-It’s funny that they brought up Pearl Harbor. I know we never talked about this in my history class but the US response to Pearl Harbor sums up Donald Trump’s policies perfectly. And that’s not a good thing.

-Elect Donald Trump! He’s not a dick to his wife.

-See, Sarah Palin, it actually IS possible to get from Alaska to Cleveland. You don’t even have to use a sled.

-You can see people in the first couple of rows trying to figure out what the hell American Samoa is.

-“We got the best duck hunting on earth” — Arkansas

At least he didn’t say “we’re Kansas with two more letters”

-California delegates are acting as crazy as any given Texan.

-This isn’t even a vote; it’s a dick measuring contest between the states.

-Can we not drag the WWE into Trump’s campaign, please? Wrestling isn’t THAT fake.

-DC: We want Rubio and Kasich

Chair: 19 votes Trump.

-The Guam delegates have Hawaiian dad uniforms.

-“We’re the most Republican state which is why people relate us to potatoes.” — Idaho.

  • I like that the Latino guy from Illinois who was going to announce the votes gave his job to a white guy.

-Indiana is only pushing Trump because they don’t want Pence to ever come back to their state.

-You get a chance to talk about how great your state is and you talk about baseball? What the fuck, Kansas?

You could have at least said “The home of the Westboro Baptist church” That would actually go over well at this convention.

-You can’t respect god and the constitution, Kentucky, especially if you just bragged about bourbon and bluegrass music (AKA: The closest thing to hell that actually exists).

-People are still cheering for Ted Cruz?

As insane as Trump is, his two redeeming qualities are that he isn’t Ted Cruz and he isn’t John Kasich.

-I just want one person to say “The next president of the United States, Ted Cruz.” I bet that would make his day.

-Going to the GOP convention this year and praising Prince is basically going to a KKK rally and praising MLK.

-I get the feeling Corey Lewandowski might be the happiest guy in the room at the moment.

-Andrew Christie talking about Trump is a lot less entertaining to me than his father’s endorsement was.

There’s an implied sub joke but you all can fill in the blanks on that one.

-Yeah, I know this format is hard to follow. You can follow the thread for updates by commenting. I have friends that aren’t politically involved and they don’t want their feeds spammed.

-I just want to point out that they oversold NC in the beginning. But unfortunately, we really are the home of Billy Graham.

-How did that delegate get into the convention with a rainbow headpiece? (I don’t know what the word for that is).

I figured they would have assumed that he was a protester.

-You can see the Oregon speaker trying really hard to get the people behind him to cheer. It’s not working, mate.

-“Sorry, America” –Every sane New Yorker this election cycle.

-The stage is backlit with the words “Over the Top”

That’s appropriate right about now.

  • I like that someone from Cranston, Rhode Island, is talking about religious freedom like they have any idea what that means.

-Somebody save the clip of South Dakota’s vote. There’s a guy who looks like he’s crying in the middle of the group.

-I would cry too if my state supported a spilled bottle of tanning lotion in unison like that.

-It might be good to re-write Vermont’s pitch.

“We gave the world Bernie Sanders. You’re welcome.”

-It took me a second to remember that Rand Paul ran this year.

I think even he’s forgotten by now.

-What the fuck, Washington? You needed to wear trees on your head? Why???

-I get dressing up for holidays (and Pride is a fucking holiday, so I don’t want shit when you guys see my outfit) but you can wear a hat that says “make America great again” or a t-shirt that says “Fuck the gays” and I think everyone would get the point.

-If you’re going to recognize “Meloney” Trump, maybe you should pronounce her name right.

“Rugged individualism” = 81-year-old white men who still smoke cigars and watch John Wayne movies (not those fucking Cuban ones, though. Mexico doesn’t get their business.)

-Okay, I have to admit, I like Michigan’s elevator pitch.

-I don’t understand doing crowd shots during the band’s time. Yes, it fills up the time, but white people can’t dance.

Trump is officially the nominee and Mike Pence is officially the VP nominee.

-Alright, ya’ll. I got better things to do. The longer this goes on the more I need to protect my hardcore S&M “tutorials”, so I’ll see you guys later.