In the beginning Once upon a time God created the heaven and the earth.

And the earth was without form, and void; and darkness was upon the face of the deep. “The face of the deep”. I guess that’s space? But space was just created then, too, right? And the Spirit of God moved upon the face of the waters. There’s water, too? There was water before there was heaven and earth? Then what was the point of creating heaven and earth when they could have just existed like water apparently did?

And God said, Let there be light: and there was light. Okay. Light is a good thing. It’d be even cooler if Earth’s main source of light was created at some point. 1

And God saw the light, that it was good: and God divided the light from the darkness. Doesn’t that just happen? I don’t know how much the author knows about physics, but give him a few hundred years and maybe we’ll fix this error. (This is the King James version, so maybe not.)

And God called the light Day, and the darkness he called Night. And the evening and the morning were the first day. You really couldn’t bother to leave the Hebrew words here? god doesn’t speak English. All those long, pointlessly complicated words that you kept original (mostly names that take up entire chapters) and you couldn’t leave yom and laylah?

And God said, Let there be a firmament in the midst of the waters, and let it divide the waters from the waters. The author likely didn’t know that there were other continents, but it’s cool to think of this as being an accidental reference to Pangaea.

And God made the firmament, and divided the waters which were under the firmament from the waters which were above the firmament: and it was so.

And God called the firmament Heaven. And the evening and the morning were the second day. We’re just going to ignore the fact that the sun doesn’t exist yet and just call this time period (which is disputed by desperate theologians “a day to god isn’t the same as a day to humans”) a day.

And God said, Let the waters under the heaven be gathered together unto one place, and let the dry land appear: and it was so. Another accidental fact. All of Earth’s oceans are connected (which is insanely cool when you think about it. There’s so much of our world that we can’t access yet and once we find a way to access it we can literally go anywhere on the planet. Okay, I’ll stop nerding out now.)

10 And God called the dry land Earth; and the gathering together of the waters called he Seas: and God saw that it was good. Again with the English. He would have called earth erets and the sea yam. I know this is one of the least ignorant things in this book but you seriously didn’t have the foresight to think that if you’re going to claim this book is perfect, you might want to use more accurate words? Even if you put the English translation next to it, just don’t pretend like your god speaks the same language you do when you’re separated by centuries and continents.  

11 And God said, Let the earth bring forth grass, the herb yielding seed, and the fruit tree yielding fruit after his kind, whose seed is in itself, upon the earth: and it was so. Okay, yet another remind that the sun doesn’t exist yet. Photosynthesis wasn’t probably well understood at that point, but I’d be surprised if one of the first things humans discovered about agriculture wasn’t that it matters how much sun certain plants get. You don’t need specifics to debunk this.

12 And the earth brought forth grass, and herb yielding seed after his kind, and the tree yielding fruit, whose seed was in itself, after his kind: and God saw that it was good.

13 And the evening and the morning were the third day. The sun’s coming soon, guys. Just one more… day.

14 And God said, Let there be lights in the firmament of the heaven to divide the day from the night; and let them be for signs, and for seasons, and for days, and years: There we go. Light’s existed for a few days but now it’s actually a source instead of this thing that just exists without anything causing it. 1

15 And let them be for lights in the firmament of the heaven to give light upon the earth: and it was so.

16 And God made two great lights; the greater light to rule the day, and the lesser light to rule the night: he made the stars also.

17 And God set them in the firmament of the heaven to give light upon the earth,

18 And to rule over the day and over the night, and to divide the light from the darkness: and God saw that it was good. “Divide light from darkness”? Physically, light is a particle/wave. (Light does what it wants. It’s like the Kanye of physics.) Darkness us just the absence of that particle/wave, which is actually really rare because almost everything emits some amount of light. So darkness is essentially a vacuum. I could just keep writing about light but I won’t because that would be boring. Anyway, didn’t god already separate the two?

19 And the evening and the morning were the fourth day.

20 And God said, Let the waters bring forth abundantly the moving creature that hath life, and fowl that may fly above the earth in the open firmament of heaven.

21 And God created great whales, and every living creature that moveth, which the waters brought forth abundantly, after their kind, and every winged fowl after his kind: and God saw that it was good. I love that KJV just randomly calls out whales. Whales rock. They’re special. Also other stuff was created. But mostly whales.

22 And God blessed them, saying, Be fruitful, and multiply, and fill the waters in the seas, and let fowl multiply in the earth.

23 And the evening and the morning were the fifth day.

24 And God said, Let the earth bring forth the living creature after his kind, cattle, and creeping thing, and beast of the earth after his kind: and it was so. Cattle get special mention, too. That’s just weird to me. Whales and cattle and a bunch of other animals. You had to specify? Why?

25 And God made the beast of the earth after his kind, and cattle after their kind, and every thing that creepeth upon the earth after his kind: and God saw that it was good.

26 And God said, Let us make man in our image, after our likeness: and let them have dominion over the fish of the sea, and over the fowl of the air, and over the cattle, and over all the earth, and over every creeping thing that creepeth upon the earth. “Our” is not a word you’re used to hearing gods say in “monotheistic” religions. It’s cool because he’s obviously talking about me here (boom, mentioned in the bible, ya’ll.) so there’s that little sense of pride coming from that, but it’s also not a monotheistic religions if there are multiple gods. Maybe this is referencing the trinity (but Jesus isn’t born yet) so the Holy spirit and god which is the holy spirit which is Jesus which doesn’t exist.

27 So God created man in his own image, in the image of God created he him; male and female created he them. So god is both male and female. #transfeminism #intersex.

28 And God blessed them, and God said unto them, Be fruitful, and multiply, and replenish the earth, and subdue it: and have dominion over the fish of the sea, and over the fowl of the air, and over every living thing that moveth upon the earth. A modern translation of this is “fuck a lot, be awesome, take over everything”. Which is a nice message even though he’s going to take it back soon. |SPOILER ALERT|.

29 And God said, Behold, I have given you every herb bearing seed, which is upon the face of all the earth, and every tree, in the which is the fruit of a tree yielding seed; to you it shall be for meat. Well, almost everything.

30 And to every beast of the earth, and to every fowl of the air, and to every thing that creepeth upon the earth, wherein there is life, I have given every green herb for meat: and it was so. Ken Ham likes to see this as evidence that early humans in the story were vegetarians, which you’d think would make eating meat a sin, right?

31 And God saw every thing that he had made, and, behold, it was very good. And the evening and the morning were the sixth day.

 

If the first words of this were changed, we’d be living in a better world. The lack of knowledge evident here is pretty much expected from the time frame, assuming it didn’t have a divine source (obviously it didn’t). The writing in this story is on par for fantasy but, if I were writing this story, it would be a minor legend that might be worth a mention while I was focusing more on a more interesting character. That’s just my preference as a writer.

I don’t know that I’ll do all of Genesis and it’s not likely that I’ll take every chapter in the bible down this way, but if I get requests I’ll skip around and pull different chapters apart.
Please for the love of sex and marijuana do not ask me to look at any chapter that bears even the slightest resemblance to Genesis 10 because I will be silently flipping you off in my head.

Lyn

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