Mother’s Day for most people in my life is stressful. What do I get my mom that she’ll like and I can afford? For the people whose parents have passed, it’s more of a concern of how do I get through the day and remember my mother how she would have wanted? A few people in my life are struggling with infertility, and even after they’ve adopted children, those issues are sensitive.

For estranged children, it’s probably the hardest. We’re not just besieged with memories of early years of cards and candles that dad paid for but we were still proud of, and breakfast in bed after many mistakes like people who’ve lost their mothers, but there’s also a feeling of guilt and an urge to try to resolve things.

Cutting off relationships will never be an easy thing. It’s incredibly difficult and the choice is often made far too long after it should have been. For me personally, I know that I’d left about three years too late, something I regret in spite of the hardship that being alone at the age of thirteen would have created.

I graduated from high school and started college, something I should never have prioritized. I won’t go into detail about those three years or the earlier ones which came with their own struggles, although I will say that if I’d left earlier there might have been potential for reconciliation where there is none now.

Today I’ll spend seeing my friends on the phone with their mothers. Social media in every respect will be about moms. I don’t resent this but it does make me wonder how different things could have been.

No, I won’t call my mother. I won’t pretend that she deserves a daughter anymore.

She still knows more than I’d like about me. That I cut my hair, got into photography, have a new favorite TV show and that I’ve been ill. But I can’t stop that. She just won’t hear any of it from me.

Because I’m not the only cut off child that I know, I want to say this; it’s better this way. There are other people in my life who have or will have to cut off contact with their mothers at some point. If you have to think about cutting contact, then something is wrong and it’s most likely preferable.

I also want to point out that somewhere and to someone, my biological mother is probably complaining about how I never call. How she hasn’t seen me in a year. How I still talk to the rest of the family but ignore her and how she has no idea why.

And I refuse to talk her down to her family while acknowledging that she more than likely does not do the same for me. When another relative found out (a filtered but accurate version of) what had happened, she said something along the lines of “I had no idea it was that bad” and I answered with the one thing that I can say to my family and to others in this situation. “It all works out for the best”

Lyn

 

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