I’ve probably written about Biblicalgenderroles.com before. If I haven’t, I meant to. Well, they almost always have articles that do not reflect the life of women in the 21st century. Which is kind of funny because they claim to still have relevance.


The last article I saw from the site was, “How to help women learn their place”, and it’s all about where a woman’s place is not. The author describes the biblical woman. So, I thought it might be interesting to contrast the biblical woman with the perfect woman (myself, of course).


“Feminism has been largely successful in eradicating the femininity that women once had. Churches have for the most part abandoned the practice of teaching Biblical gender roles that god has commanded for men and women.” GOOD! That’s what feminism was supposed to do. That’s why I’m a feminist. Women don’t have to be feminine and if feminism threatens your religion then I am goddamed proud to call myself a feminist.


“We have women saying things in the wrong place or in the wrong way.” What’s the right way to say, ‘you don’t deserve to get laid’?


“Women showing no deference or respect toward men.” And men trying to control women. That sucks, too.


“Daughters disobey their fathers and wives routinely disobey their husbands with impunity.” I decided last month (after considering it for three years) that I was going to get a tattoo. A friend offered to pay for it as a birthday present, because I have amazing friends. I called my dad and told him how excited I was, and he asked me to wait a few years in case I changed my mind. I’m not getting a tattoo this year, because I respect my dad. And I don’t respect him because he’s my dad. I respect him because he never arbitrarily sets boundaries and laid out valid, if not completely applicable, arguments for why I should or shouldn’t do things.


“Many women pursue selfish career ambitions instead of being ambitious for marriage, child bearing, and homemaking.” I will never be married. I will never have children. I don’t particularly want a house. You know what I want? I want to speak and write the stories that lead to the fall of religion. I want to make a difference with my career and metaphorically kill god.


“We as Christians can turn this around by having the courage to speak the truth of god’s word even if our world does not want to hear it. We need to show our young ladies from the word of god what it truly means to be a woman of god.” Young people know what religion means. It means meaningless restrictions on our lives and requirements to hurt each other. It means calling hate love and never knowing how beautiful the world is. Young people have had enough of religion. Good fucking riddance.


The site lists out some things that godly women do. They use the word husband a lot, so when I respond to this bullshit in comparison with with my life, keep in mind that I’m replacing this with my short term partner.


“She is not loud or boisterous but instead she is quiet and meek” WHAT THE FUCK? Okay, so I’m usually quiet, but it’s that’s a personality trait that I’ve tried to change.


“She is not a gossip but rather she is a trustworthy confident” *confidant. Probably a typo. Anyway, Yup. I’m that. I’m more trustworthy than anyone who lies about what women are capable of.


“She knows when and were to speak and when to hold her tongue.” If I want to say something, I’m going to fucking say it. I refuse to censor myself for anyone else’s sake.


“When she does speak she does so in a wise and kind manner.” If I like you I’ll be nice to you. If I love you I’ll be sarcastic and annoying. If I hate you I will nod and occasionally flip you off. Wherever you fall on the spectrum, if you don’t hear me say the word fuck for twenty minutes I’m probably asleep.


“She is ambitious to be a wife, mother, and homemaker.” I’ll never be married, never have children, and I’d rather hotel-hop than own a home. I have better things to do than take care of some fuck friend I’ve said an oath to and the brats we made together. (I’m not bashing marriage in its entirety, just saying how it would turn out for me personally.)


“When she has a home she is ambitious toward the care of it and is never lazy and idle.” I fit the lazy millennial stereotype hen it comes to cleaning. I will work for twelve hours on an article or spend my entire day outside in the cold taking photographs, but if I have to take the trash out it will take me a week. But it does get done, after my real work does.


“When she has children she is ambitious to be joyful in her care of them” I used the word “brats” earlier to describe my hypothetical children. If I had kids I would probably not be thrilled about taking care of them. I don’t want things in my life that detract from it the way children would.


“She shows compassion and empathy towards those in need around her.” I have compassion and empathy. I take care of people when I have the chance, even to my own detriment at times. That’s my duty as a human being, and it isn’t godly. That would imply that god actually cared about that sort of thing, and an omnipotent god could probably help people a bit more than the one this author believes in.


“Second only to god, a woman’s greatest love and affection is reserved for her husband and her children.” If god existed I would hate him. I keep myself as emotionally distanced from my partners as possible. I will never have children. The people I love the most are my friends and my parents. I love more people more deeply than most religious people I know, because I’m not wasting my time pretending to care about my imaginary friends.


“She protects her virginity for marriage and does not manipulate men with her sexuality.” My virginity is my own fucking business, and even though I’ll never be married I’ll have multiple partners throughout my life. I never manipulate men with my sexuality (at least not purposely). Women, on the other hand…


“In marriage she ravished her husband with her body and she never defrauds him.” I’m interested in S&M. This means complete honesty in my relationships, because that kind of interaction is 100% about trust. If I don’t trust a partner, and vice versa, then there is nothing there and we both move on.


“She dresses in a way that never places her femininity in doubt.”


I’m just gonna straighten my tie over here.

“She dresses appropriate to the situation (modestly).” Or not. Since ‘the situation’ is not defined and there are some situations (most of them) when I want to show off my body.


“She cares for her beauty knowing that her husband desires it as god desires the beauty of his church.” If I have a partner, I take care of myself a bit more. I want to look good for them. But any god that thinks the church is beautiful is a god that deserves to burn in the hell he created.


“She has a submissive spirit as opposed to a contentious spirit.” I fight. I run parkour. I argue when someone says something wrong and I respect authority only after they’ve proved that they deserve it. I am submissive when I choose to be, which is rarely.


“She embraces patriarchy in the home, the church, and in society.”  Patriarchy can be in the church. Plenty of disgusting things belong there. But the church should never influence society and no religion will ever be welcomed in my home.


“She looks to her father and later her husband for her provision.” My parents almost never give me ‘rules’. They trust me. If any of my partners overstep their bounds, they sleep alone for a while. I am open to suggestion, but I am the owner of my body and my mind.


“She embraces the fact that god has placed her in ‘the weaker vessel’ and that she needs the protection of men.” Ha! If you think women are weak, try kicking a man where it hurts. I don’t need a man, or anyone else, to protect me, because I know how to defend myself. I can beat the shit out of most of the men in my life if I need to. Even if I needed protection, I’d sooner trust a woman.


“She looks to her father and later her husband for spiritual guidance.” Here’s some spiritual guidance; give up that shit and live your life. I didn’t get that from my father, or a partner, I got that from myself.


“She embraces the fact that god made her to be the helper to her husband, not him to be her helper.” I help my partners out. If they need something and I’m capable, I do what I can to make their lives easier. I do that for everyone, even people I actively dislike. I never expect anyone to help me, but it’s very much appreciated when they do.


“She sees her husband as her master and not her equal partner.” Like I said, I’m S&M. ‘Equal partners’ is something that doesn’t always play well during a scene. I am rarely an equal partner. But that’s only within the confines of the scene. During the rest of my friendship with the person, we are completely on even ground.

“She does not nag her husband into doing what is right” If one of my partners is doing something wrong that hurts other people, I speak up. It’s my responsibility to stop evil things from happening (cough) religion. But if she’s only hurting herself, I’m less likely to talk about it.


“She wins her husband by her righteous behavior toward him in spite of his failings.” If I was trying to be righteous, I’d always end up with boring partners. Righteousness isn’t a part of the formula.


“She never makes her husband ashamed, but rather she brings him honor” I have a policy with my partners. I do not out our relationship. If they want to be open about it, then I have no issue with that, either. But so far, every relationship has been private, which has worked out much better for everyone.


“She reverences her husband’s position despite the flaws of his person” I appreciate my partners. We have fun. I’m sure that’s exactly the same thing.


“She influences and teaches other women to be good wives and mothers.” I do that, or at least try to. I try to make sure everyone knows what their options are.


“She realizes that her greatest legacy is built by what she does in her home and not what she does outside her home.” I’m very much appreciating here the allowance he makes that women are allowed to leave their homes. Until the very end, I thought this article was going to be sexist, but that completely makes it better.


There are a lot of other ways that the perfect woman out does the biblical woman that didn’t even make it into this post. Let’s be honest, we ALL have our high spots, and even if you’re closer to the biblical woman than the perfect woman, you deserve respect. (and a better husband and father, but mostly respect).