You acted like you knew what you were doing. Because, you did. So..why do you lie? I know that you’re not telling the truth. You know that I can see you’re lying.  I can read it in your face, your posture, your eyes. And you know it. Can’t sit still, can’t even look me in the eyes for more than a split second without having to look away like you’ve killed a man. Killed a man other than yourself that is. The words are like vomit, messy and everywhere not knowing what or how they’re going to come out next. Heart beating in your ears, breath quickening and becoming shallow. I sit before you across the table looking almost as nervous as you but with more control, more patience, more calmness. Even though I never make eye contact, you know that what I say is true, what I say is something that you don’t want to hear. You thought it was going to be your little secret, your little personal treasure that you could stow away and fish back out of memory on a rainy day. But I ruined that for you. Not on purpose.

Angry. You start to show your anger and you do the thing people do with their jaw when they get mad. “Don’t get mad; Don’t be upset; You don’t need to be embarrassed; Everything is fine, you don’t need to worry”, but all that you can hear is your heart beating louder, breaths that are getting shorter, feeling the sweat on your palms starting to form. My mouth is moving and words are coming out but you don’t know what it is I’m saying. Silence. We sit in silence for a while before you choke a spatted-out, whispered, out of air, almost non intentional “Sorry”. Looking over your shoulder as you say it like it matters if others hear your apology. Stomach churning your leg bounces up and down faster and faster. You speak, and the more you do the more my face changes. Goes from nervous, to scared, to upset, to hollow. Trying to pry I won’t speak any more which worries you. Not believing it has nothing to do with what you did. You call out my failure to hide my lies but I still won’t budge. I start acting like you, not being able to sit still, not being able to look more than a millisecond up at you.

Finally we stand and make our way inside. Climbing the stairs to your floor I race ahead unintentionally. Making our way down the hall to your room I slam on the breaks not remembering that the door was left partially open. I barge in and have to slow down to be able to make it over the obstacles that lay around on the floor. Grabbing my backpack you go back to your chair, stare at your computer screen for a sec then glue your eyes on me. Knowing I can see you out of my peripherals as I feverously look through it to see if I left anything downstairs. I shoot a few words towards your roommate and leave in a flash. Leaving you sitting there in anger, in fear, in embarrassment, in disgust; in disbelief.

…..

Lying there, I replay what happened over and over again. Like constantly rewinding a VHS in a VCR player. Your arms wrapped around me, giving me a light squeeze. Nuzzling your face in my back. Gently kissing my shoulders and forehead every now and again. Running your fingertips down my side, stomach, back. Scooting yourself closer and closer with each movement you or I make. You softly, ever so gently whisper the word “Beautiful” as you brush my hair from my face. Gaining the courage, you line your face up with mine and give the most scholarly like kiss a person could ever give. Chills run down my spine as I try and contain myself from over indulging. Thinking that’s all you’ll do you take me by surprise, doing it again and again and again. Each time with more passion, more energy, more confidence.

My head starts to spin as I try to take it all in and take a deep breath causing you to pull me closer. I curl myself into you as I feel the steady beat of your heart against my ear and breathe in your scent. Wishing that the night will remain forever, praying the darkness will never turn to light, just hoping that you say you’ll stay.

Flashback to the table. Of how you looked like you wanted to jump on the next plane going anywhere but here and hide under a rock at the same time. Tears streak down my face as the pain increases with every second that goes by. I decide to tell you the truth. I send you most of my life story basically. Telling you I hate lying and you know it and how I’m tired of hiding behind the mask I portray almost every day. How I’ve grown to like you more than a friend. And all you can say is; “We’re still friends…”

Advertisements