So gay people in the US can get married now, which is fine. Do what you do, gay people. You go. But there comes along with this a very serious issue. Should people with “the gay” be allowed to raise innocent children? The answer is a resounding no.

Now, I’m not a bigot, I’m a woman with two dads who just so happens to see the problems with the situation.

First of all, it’s confusing. How am I supposed to tell them apart? In my case, one is my biological dad and the other is my stepdad, but as we all know humans look exactly like the little stick figures on the doors of public bathrooms. If two people are the same gender, then how on earth are we supposed to tell them apart?

Worse still, my friends can’t tell them apart. I’ll say something about my dad loving bacon and the response is “which one” Uh, the one that’s my dad! Oh, wait. Shit. “My stepdad”

I even get bullied at school! When I tell people that I have two dads, they say the most awful things. Things like, “wow, that’s cool” “so… double the dad jokes?” and worst of all “So this summer was awesome for you, right?” Ugh, the nerve of some people.

Even if all of that wasn’t an issue, how can two men raise a proper young woman? I mean, sure my dad is a wizard with make up and my stepdad has an excellent eye for fashion from growing up with two sisters, but what does that mean? I mean, I don’t wear make-up and rarely wear dresses. Where’s the feminine influence here, except, you know, all the women in my life?

They’re so sex positive, too. It’s like they don’t even care that I’m bisexual. (Dammit, Dad, just because you fell in love with a man doesn’t mean I’m going to). They can talk about my interest in S&M like we’re all adults who have lives and interests and hobbies. What is this nonsense, of respecting your kids and their sexuality? What kind of parent does that?

Oh, right. A good one. I mean, obviously this is satire. Obviously from the title of this it was satire. My parents are amazing. While my stepdad might be a bit disappointed that I gave up bacon to be a vegetarian and I’m not quite sure how they really feel about some of my less-than-menial hobbies, I’m lucky to have them and I hope I make them proud.

Seriously, if you think gay people can’t raise children, then your straight parents didn’t do such a good job in the first place.