There is a new rising threat to my reign, and it comes in the form of a woman named Lindsay Miller, a Pastafarian in Massachusetts. She’s advanced her religion’s prominence by fighting and declaring a resounding victory for religious freedom.

Miller wanted to wear a colander on her head (as dictated by her faith in the FSM) in her driver’s license photo, and was initially denied this right. She fought the legal battle with the American Humanist Society and has been allowed to proceed with her license. I cannot allow this.

I know what you’re thinking. If some people are forced to take their glasses off for their photos, how can this woman expect to have her religious rights? Since when can religious people violate secular laws, like the ones in place against child abuse, taxes, or doing their respective jobs. No, for anyone curious, that link has nothing to do with Kentucky marriage licenses, because at least in that case there was a very rapid and very decisive legal backlash.

The Flying Spaghetti Monster is an old friend. We go back to our childhood, in fact. He’s a nice enough guy, but awfully lazy. He doesn’t deserve the position of power that he’s been given, which is why it angers me so deeply that there are those who would follow him. Don’t misunderstand me; I have a great deal of emotional depth with this deity, but any deviation is unacceptable.

I can’t have this in my dynasty. You should know by now that I expect loyalty from my citizens. Activist groups like the American Humanist Society may have done some good work upholding the US constitution, but under my rule of law they’re lucky I don’t consider them terrorists.

I will say that I appreciate the Humanists giving Satanism a foothold. After challenging multiple monuments and schools advocating or platforming preachers to young, impressionable children, the American Humanist Society and groups like them have been instrumental in my rise.

In all honesty I suppose I’m no better, continuing on this way. Objecting to the inclusion of others in my world sets me onto the same standard. Maybe there was a lesson to be learned from Yahweh, in that when he drowned the entire planet and then magicked away all of the evidence to prove that he had, he proved that fear did not equate to love.

Maybe my real power comes from my followers. If you listen to my commands because you trust and mutually understand me, then I suppose there’s something validating in that. Yahweh deserves no respect because his only recourse when things don’t go his way is violence and intolerance, and the FSM is a lazy and unimpassioned stoner.