Now that I’ve officially come out as the anti-christ and decided to issue my orders under the name Lilith, I had a suspicion that there would be resistance. However, I admit that I’ve underestimated the speed and ferocity of the enemy.
The in-depth news site called Liberal Darkness has earned my respect. They were the second to pinpoint my nefarious plans. After Christine Weick exposed my partnership with Monster Energy drinks, I debated with myself over taking control, but the time had not yet come. Now, though, I’ve decided to rise to my rightful throne, and the first associate to make themselves known was Starbucks.
You might be surprised that there were still people who didn’t know that Starbucks was my pet company. How else could a place charge such high prices for coffee and still survive as a competitive entity?
Now, I have to be honest, there were some flaws with the article. For instance, they claimed me as the goddess of lesbianism, which is offensive. That may be one of my favorite parts of my job, but it’s just a small portion of what my position requires.
Now, it’s fun, of course, to be the goddess of lesbianism, but I have a seven-year war and apocalypse to focus on, and despite what the malevolent dictator we’ve lived under for so long may believe, it’s a battle I plan to claim victory of.
Also, I’m not a full lesbian. I’m only a partial lesbian. Why do you think Yahweh and I were ever romantically involved in the first place? He is called “the father” for a reason, although I think naming his genitals “the holy spirit” is a bit arrogant.
The Starbucks logo has always been my image. This is not a new thing, and I’m incredibly surprised that my grand reveal was a necessity to have this partnership come to light. I must say that I’m pleased with the hold Starbucks has put on America, which you might call ground zero.
Yes, believe it or not, Glenn Beck was right last month when he warned about America being instrumental in the new future. I almost wish I could’ve used his words in my call to action. “I warn you America, you will be the darkest nation to ever, ever exist on this planet. Evil will not destroy us, it will pervert us, it will use the technology and the strength that we have, it will use us for dark purposes.”
Now, I’d prefer to think of it a bit differently. Surely his nationalism would make him proud that I’ve chosen his country to be mine; granted that I chose the US because it’s where I was born, and not because of the strength he seems to think they have. I’d actually consider the constant paranoia leading to such a violent culture as more of a weakness than a strength. He’s right, though, that shaping the country to my will is much more advantageous to me at this point.
Speaking of which, my American readers, you have a second assignment.