What can a million dollars do in the right hands? It can pay for roughly 52 years of college (or four year degrees for 13 students). It can go towards retirement if you’re lucky enough to have made it through college without student loans. It’s enough to invest well and either do good by humanity or attempt to murder AIDS patients. And it can also be considered a “small loan” if you’re a stuck up man child with a rich daddy.

I wonder how Donald Trump would feel if I actually asked him for a small loan. Would he call me a “lazy millennial” like the unemployed guy I ran across the other day who thought college students were only paying $9000 a semester to go to school? Would he actually give me the money and then rationalize my not paying him back since one bankruptcy is better than four? Would he call me a pig and make a sexist joke?

Granted, he got the loan from his father. You know what I’d do if my parents gave me a million? I’d hug them, go through school, then put the rest into equipment and travel expenses so I could be the best journalist on the fucking planet. I’d make them proud.

Here’s what I wouldn’t do. I wouldn’t become a CEO just to make more money if I already came from a rich family. I wouldn’t make a point to pretend that I got myself into a position that my parents actually handed me. I wouldn’t take advantage of cheap labor and then pretend that people with minimum wage jobs are freeloading. I wouldn’t ignore the basics of economics for my own self interests. And I would never, ever, ever run for president and expect people to vote for me because, “I’m really rich.”

Then again, “I’m a woman” is an equally shitty reason to vote for someone. Just like “Jesus really loves me” and “My brother didn’t totally destroy the country”

Actually, you guys should vote for me for president because even though I don’t have a voting record, I’ve outlined my positions on most issues publicly and change my mind based on evidence rather than on finances. (As if college students have finances). You should vote for me because I’m honest, consistent, and have no problem calling out anyone that is causing problems. My hair is more fly-away than Bernie Sanders’s but I’d make sure I did my announcement indoors.

So with this election cycle in mind, I’ve got some big news. I’m not running for president.