I used to work in a pizza place. When I started working there, the menu was still in designing stage, and the only pizza on the counter was black olive and pineapple, which is my favorite kind of pizza. As a vegetarian, that made me happy. I mean, sure, I’ve eaten veggie lover’s pizza and pepper-and-onion pizza. I even had two slumber parties with cheese pizza, but I sent a letter to Sargento explaining and apologizing so it it isn’t really a big deal. Anyway, after I’d been working there a few days, a customer tried to order a pepperoni pizza.

Of course, I calmly explained that I wasn’t going to give them a pepperoni pizza, but that if they wanted to order a different pizza I would turn in their order. Things escalated (through no fault of my own) and the customer asked to talk to my manager. I got the manager who told me that I had to serve anything that was on the menu. I argued and lost the argument because my manager thinks he has power over me. So, instead of letting the customer get his pizza, (which he vehemently refused to call “dead food”) I put up a sign that the register was not in operation until further notice. The manager threatened to fire me. I kept arguing with him and kept refusing to run the register, and you’ll never guess what happened. He fired me!

This is a true story. At least, it is if you change “pizza shop” to “county clerk’s office”, “menu” into “legal obligations”, “pizza” into “marriage”, all of the different kinds of pizza into different spouses, “slumber party” into “kids”, and “letter to Sargento” into “prayer”. Also change “manager” into “court system”, “dead food” into “civil union”, “cash register” into “county office”, and “fired” into “jailed”. Also, change my name to Kim Davis and pretend I’m from Kentucky.