You know how we’re always told that Jesus is alive and well and living in San Antonio with his ex-girlfriend because Donald Trump fired his ass for turning his private jet into a biplane or something like that? Well, like everyone else I was curious what Jesus thought about today’s relevant issues. So I prayed the sinners prayer and then prayed for Jesus to give me some input. Two days later I’m sitting in a bank parking lot in Georgia and this cute cop is totally about to give me her number when the douchebag decides to answer my prayer.
The first thing I said was of course “Jesus Christ it’s Jesus Christ!” and the second thing I said was “You couldn’t take another two minutes to save the starving North African kids? I had a shot, man!”
Jesus rolled his eyes at me and told me that he had a tight schedule and that I was lucky he cared more about my scrawny atheist ass than those even scrawnier toddlers dying across the world.
Not wanting to push my luck, I decided it was time we got down to business.
“So, did you ruin my chances with her because gayness is a sin?”
“What? No. I ruined your chances because she’s Catholic and she’s out of your league.” I let that insult slide. After all I was talking to Jesus F.N. Christ.
“I think the whole gay marriage thing is great, actually. If things had been this easy when Judas was around, it wouldn’t have been a kiss on the cheek. It would’ve been a full on Hallmark movie kiss on the lips and I would have been groping his-“
“I get it, I get it! So you’re not mad? Because a lot of people thought you would be.”
“I’m beyond pissed, but it isn’t because of gay marriage. It’s that damn death penalty. Read my lips: I have fucking been there and done that shit. The worst part of it is that my crucifixion was still better than those poisons you Americans have started shooting into people. What part of ‘thall shalt not kill’ did you morons not understand?”
“Maybe we should move on to a softer subject. What sports team do you help to win and what do you attribute their losses to?”
“I watch a lot of football, so I did a lot for the Steelers. It used to be the Broncos but Tebow made it weird. When they lose it’s usually because I missed the game. Too many prayers to answer. I’m looking at the Texans now. They’re like, the only good thing about Texas.”
“I know, right? Jesus, why did you make the US deal with Texas?”
“Look, I don’t draw the borders. Believe me, when John Tyler made it to heaven I kicked his ass over that one.”
“What do you think about us atheists? You know the Texans have an atheist on their team.”
“I’m here talking to you, aren’t I? Do you know how many kids with cancer I could be healing right now or how many Facebook memes I could be monitoring?”
“Sorry. I didn’t mean to keep you if you had work to do.”
“It’s fine. I wasn’t really going to do that, anyway. Just like I wasn’t really going to help the North Africans either.
“A lot of people are mad at you over that.”
“Haters gonna hate, you know what I mean?”
“Yes, Jesus. I know.” Apparently Jesus was thirsty because he turned my soda bottle into wine and tried to open it. He looked like he was having a hard time so I opened it for him. “I bet that gets tiring.”
“You have no idea. The worst part is that every time they start to heal over some company starts selling those stupid necklaces. You know they work like fucking voodoo dolls.”
“Yeah. They’re fucking horrible. And you know the worst part? I have to be around people who have little dead statues of me hanging around their necks. How creepy is that?”
“It’s pretty creepy. Can I ask one more question?”
“Is there anything important you want to tell the world?”
“Um… Oh, yeah! Love thy neighbor, the apocalypse is coming, I meant it when I said no Christmas trees, and for the love of god quit whining whenever something goes wrong! I don’t fucking want to hear it; I’ve got an afterlife to live.”
“Okay. Bye Jesus.”
“Wait, one more thing!”
“Can you get that girl to come back over here?”
So that’s how prophecy works. Anyway, right after Jesus left, the cute cop came back over and shot me a dozen times. Maybe he knew what he was doing when he interrupted me. He does work in mysterious ways after all.