These are the top ten unconventional ways to tell if you’re an atheist. Of course, not believing in gods is a start, too.

  1. People try to tell you what you believe based on their beliefs about you based on a belief system that you don’t hold.

“Well the bible says all atheists believe in god”

“I don’t”

“But in your heart”


“Jesus loves you”


  1. You actually know the origin of the banana off the top of your head.

“But it fits perfectly in your hand and has a handle and everything!”

“Just do like five minutes of research on the cultivation of bananas”

  1. When you think about atheist writers you picture Hemant Mehta instead of Richard Dawkins.

“I’ve read Richard Dawkins’s book and it’s wrong about X”

“Let me read it and get back to you”

  1. People think you worship the devil.

“Satan has control of your heart!”

“Hey, as long as he doesn’t fuck with my brain we’re cool”

*attempts to perform exorcism*

“No. Just no.”

  1. Imagine by John Lennon is your anthem.

“How come atheists don’t have an equivalent of gospel music”

“For the same reason no one listens to gospel music”

  1. You’re surprised that sex is a noncontroversial topic outside of your former belief system.

“How can you talk about things like that” *whispers* “in public”

“Am I the only one with boobs in the room or something?”

  1. You grocery shop at Planned Parenthood.

“They sell baby parts!”

“Who the fuck do you think would be buying them?”

  1. You suddenly learn more about religion than you ever even wanted to know.

“Do you have a moment to talk about Jesus Christ?”

“Sure. What do you want to know?”

  1. Your eyes are still open when everybody else is praying.

“Father our god in heaven…”

*giggles at a meme*

  1. You spend your Sunday mornings sleeping in.

“Didn’t see you at church this morning”

“I was worshipping my pillow. You know, because it’s a source of comfort that actually exists”

Disclaimer 1: I actually love Richard Dawkins.

Disclaimer 2: While I don’t worship Satan I do appreciate the Satanic moral code.

Disclaimer 3: “Planned Parenthood is not selling baby parts you fucking idiots” – Rebecca Watson

Disclaimer 4: I’m working on a theology degree which is part of the reason I’ve learned so much about religion.

Disclaimer 5: As with everything ever written about atheists ever, this doesn’t apply to everyone.

Yes there are half as many disclaimers as points in this post. Just trying to be honest even though I have no morals.